Happy New Year

Happy New Year, May the next year be better than 2009. May God gives us all a new heart, new spirit, and a good purpose in life.

The clock was closing to 2am, my puppy would not stop barking.. urging my partner to go shut him up, he woke up with a start, run to scream at him... he was silent for a few minutes... in about ten minutes , his agitation increased... non stop barking..
i was trying to help voluntarily so not to end up in jail that night... called him.... sat him on the bed.. pat him.. told him that all is going to be all right.. there will be nothing wrong.. nothing to worry about... he hugged me... i gave up and rested in his arms... i returned to bed and discovered that i was the one that needed soothing... i was having bad dreams with panic attacks... he helped me got up... get off the bad vibes... i slept in peace..

thanks Goldy for the soothing.. i needed it...

.An old lady's Poem

[I received this lovely poem in my mail by unknown..plese if u know the poetess let me know]


What do you see nurses
what do you see?
What are you thinking
when you're looking at me ?
Acrabby old woman,
not verywise,
uncertain of habit,
with faraway eyes ?
who dribbles her food
and makes no reply
when you say in a loud voice,
"i do wish you'd try"
who seems not to notice
the things that you do,
and forever is losing a
stocking or shoe........
Who,resisting or not,
lets you do as you will ,
with bathing and
feeding ,the long day to fill...
Is that that what you're thinking ?
Is that what you see ?
Then open your eyes,nurse:
you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who i am
as i sit here so still,
As i do at your bidding ,
as i eat at your will.
I' m a small child of ten......
with a father and mother,
brothers and sisters,
who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen,
with wings on her feet ,
dreaming that soon now
a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty........
my heart gives a leap ,
remembering the vows
that i promised to keep.
At twenty -five now,
i have young of my own,
who need me to guide,
and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty,
my young now grown fast,
bound to each other with
ties that should last.
At forty ,my young sons
have grown and are gone,
but my husband's beside me
to see i don't mourn.
At fifty once more,
babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me,
my husband is dead;
i look at the future,
i shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing
young of their own,
And i think of the years
and the love that i've known.
I'm now an old woman....
and nature is cruel ;
'Tis jest to make old age
look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles,
grace and vigor depart,
there is now a stone
where i once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass,
a young girl still dwells,
and now and again
my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
and i'm loving and living
life over again.
I think of the years....
all too few,gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
that nothing can last...
So open your eyes,
nurses,open and see,
Not a crabby old woman ;
look closer...see ME !!

A nice poem

A nice poem...

Mom, you're a wonderful mother,
So gentle, yet so strong.
The many ways you show you care
Always make me feel I belong.


You're patient when I'm foolish;
You give guidance when I ask;
It seems you can do most anything;
You're the master of every task.


You're a dependable source of comfort;
You're my cushion when I fall.
You help in times of trouble;
You support me whenever I call.


I love you more than you know;
You have my total respect.
If I had my choice of mothers,
You'd be the one I'd select!


By Joanna Fuchs

ورقه من مذكرات ام عاشقه ل.............اولادها

بلا روح .........مؤقتا

لفت انتباهي اني ذهبت لفراشي مبكره علي غير عادتي..خلت نفسي سامارس طقوسي الليليه..استعرض القنوات واعبر الاقمار الاوربيه والعربيه باحثة عن فيلم يجذبني او نقاش

في مواضيع الساعه التي يلهثوننا المسئولين خلفها كل يوم.........لاجديد.لارغبه لي في متابعه الروايه التي اقراها....والقي الجريده ..لااريد مزيدا من الاخبار المزعجه والعنف

والحوادث المروعه التي تصور لي ان الشر متربص بكم ليصيبني في مقتل...........

ولا اريد ان افكر في الساعات القادمه حيث يحملك طائر الرخ الحديدى بعيدا عن مجال رؤيتي حيث لا اشم انفاسك ..واتابع اقوالك بشغف وانبهار.........

وانت صغيره كنت تبكين حينما تكف لعبتك عن الحركه لنفاذ طاقه البطاريه .........ما الذى ذكرني؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

سفرك يا صغيرتي ..مع فارق صغير.... ان فراقك يفرغني من الطاقه تماما..فانا كدميه صامته ..بلا حول ولا قوه ..ولا طاقه..جثه لا تجد من يبكيها..

ليس لدي رغبه في تغيير ثياب البيت..لا ميل للخروج من المنزل..اهرب من ثرثرة الاخوات..تحولت الي قرون استشعار تريد التقاط اخبارك من النت او الموبايل ..........

الافكار تتزاحم في راسي...وصلت بالسلامه؟؟؟رحله مريحه ام ...؟؟؟اصبت بعض النوم ام الارق قلب يومك صداعا والاما ؟؟؟؟؟هل تذكرت ادويتك الضروريه ام نسيت كعادتك ؟؟

اكتشفت انني باكاد افتح فمي لارد علي الاسئله الضروريه التي توجه لي..ولما شعر الاخرون بعبث محاولاتهم لاخراجي من شرودى وضيقي بالكلام توقفوا محبطين..وعدت لصمتي

وخيالاتي في رحلتك البعيده التي ارجو من كل قلبي ان تكون سعيده وتجدين فيها بعضا من الاجابات علي اسئلتك الحائره..وبعض الراحه من وجعك الذي يدمي قلبي...

ماما التي تحبك جدا........بلا روح حتي تعودي.........................................

Beer & Peanuts

“These days were my happiest days… the days of the beer and the peanuts… this what we all could afford….”

The lady kept on with her story… telling me on her life with her husband… “on these days, we did not have any money.. we buy a bottle of beer , some peanuts , we split them and listen to the songs on the radio in each other’s arm, we were so happy”… she went on.. “ when we had lots of money, our bickering increased, we stopped looking at each other’s eyes .. instead .. we focused on the money.. we looked down… we had meat, whiskey, money… but somehow we were silent on the dinner table… no more laughs..”

She succeeded in reviving my tears… I did not tell her that I cried…. I needed to hear this… needed to hear that there is something beyond money, power, meat, bread…. With all the economic crises talk… it feels like I got myself into a washing machine with someone putting it on “very dirty wash, 90 Degrees”!

I am lucky I have others that get me back on track… but how about others.. who does not have the likes of the old lady? How about other people that will know the truth only too late to stick to it… poor human beings….

Thank you… I needed to know whats happiness… whats confidence in God.. whats a small good meal with someone you love… how does satisfaction looks in ones eyes!

Description of Fibromyalgia

Sorry i talk a lot about this.. but i found a very good description of how i feel.. thought i share it... sorry its long..



A letter from Claudia Marek. "Fibromyalgia the first year"

Fibromyalgia isn't all in my head, and it isn't contagious. It doesn't turn into anything serious and nobody ever died from fibromyalgia thought they might have wished they could on really awful days.

I can't control how often I feel good or how often I feel terrible. If you want to read articles or books about fibromyalgia I can show you some that I think are good. If you just want to learn as we go along, that's fine too. This is definitely going to be a process. The first step is for you to believe that there is an illness called fibromyalgia and that I have it. This may sound simple, but when you hear about some of the symptoms I don't want you to think I'm making it up.

Fibromyalgia is a high maintenance condition with lots and lots of different kinds of symptoms. There's no way to just take a pill to make it go away, even for a little while. Sometimes a certain medication can make some of my symptoms more bearable. That's about the best I can hope for. Sometimes I can take a lot of medication and still not feel any better. That's just the way it goes.

There's no cure for fibromyalgia and it won't go away. If I am functioning normally, I am having a good day. This doesn't mean I'm getting better because I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue for which there is no cure. I can have good days, weeks or even months. But a good morning can suddenly turn into a terrible afternoon. I get a feeling like someone has pulled out a plug and all my energy has just run out of my body. I might get more irritable before these flares, and suddenly get more sensitive to noise or just collapse from deadening fatigue. Other times there may be no warning, I may just suddenly feel awful. I can't warn you when this is likely to happen because there isn't any way for me to know. Sometimes this is a real spoiler and I'm sorry.

Fibromyalgics have a different kind of pain that is hard to treat. It is not caused by inflammation like an injury. It is not a constant ache in one place like a broken bone. It moves around my body daily and hourly and changes in severity and type. Sometimes it is dull and sometimes it is cramping or prickly. Sometimes it's jabbing and excruciating. If Eskimos have a hundred words for snow, Fibromyalgics should have them for pain. Sometimes I just hurt all over.

Besides pain we have muscle stiffness which is worse in the morning. Sometimes when I get up out of a chair I feel like I am ninety years old. I may ask you to pull me up. I'm creaky and I'm klutzy. I trip over things no one can see, and I bump into the person I am walking with and I drop things and spill things because my fingers are stiff and my coordination is off. I just don't seem to connect the way I should. Hand-eye, foot-eye coordination, it's all off. I walk slowly up and down stairs because I'm stiff and I'm afraid I might fall.

Because I feel bad most of the time I am always pushing myself, and sometimes I push myself too hard. When I do this, I pay the price. Sometimes I can summon the strength to do something special but I will usually have to rest for a few days because my body can only make so much energy. I pay a big price for overdoing it, but sometimes I have to. I know it's hard for you to understand why I can do one thing and not another. It's important for you to believe me, and trust me about this. My limitations, like my pain and my other symptoms are invisible, but they are there.

Another symptom I have is problems with memory and concentration which is called fibro fog. Short-term memory is the worst! I am constantly looking for things which I have no idea where I put; I walk into rooms and have no idea why. Casualties are my keys which are always lost, my list of errands, which I write up and leave on the counter when I go out. Even if I put notes around to remind myself of important things, I'm still liable to forget them. Don't worry, this is normal for Fibromyalgics. Most of us are frightened that we are getting Alzheimer's.

I mentioned my sensitivities earlier and I need to talk about them again. It's more like intolerance to everything. To noise, especially certain noises like the television or shrill noises. To smells like fish or some chemicals, or fragrances or perfume. I also have a problem with heat and cold. It sounds like I'm never happy but that isn't it. These things make me physically ill. They stress me out and make my pain worse and I get exhausted. Sometimes I just need to get away from something; I just don't know how to say it. I know that sometimes this means I will have to go outside, or out to the car, or home to sit alone and that's really all right. Sometimes when I feel lousy I just want to be by myself. When I'm like this there's nothing you can do to make me feel better, so it's just better to let me be.

I have problems sleeping. Sometimes I get really restless and wake up and can't get back to sleep. Other times I fall into bed and sleep for fourteen hours. I'm sure that's confusing to be around, and I know there are times when my tossing and turning and getting up and down to go to the bathroom disturbs you. We can talk about solutions to this.

All these symptoms and the chemicals in my brain can me depressed as you'd imagine. I get angry and frustrated and I have mood swings. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't admit it. Sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. These emotions are all very strong and powerful. I know this is a very hard thing about being with me. Every time you put up with me when I'm in one of my moods, secretly I'm grateful. I can't always admit it at the time, but I'm admitting it now.

I have other symptoms like irritable bowel and pelvic pain that will take their toll on our intimacies. Some of these symptoms are embarrassing and hard to talk about but I promise to try. I hope that you will have the patience to see me through these things. It's very hard for me too because I love you and I want to be with you, and it makes everything worse when you are upset and tired of dealing with all my problems. I have made a promise to myself and now I am making it to you: I will set aside time for us to be close. During that time we will not talk about my illness. We both need time to get away from its demands. Though I may not always show it I love you a million times more for standing by me. Having to slow down physically and having to get rid of unnecessary stresses will make our relationship stronger.

Happy Mothers' Day

I am proud of her… very proud of her…

She shows kindness through her face.. her eyes.. her smile

She is always there no matter what…

She lifts me up in time of despair..

Hugs me when I am sick…

Swallows my pain…

Fills me with hope..

Holding me in her arms in joy and success..

Mom .. you made me what I am…

You created the hope in me..

You guarded my sanity..

You encouraged peace and love in me…

In you I find peace.. solace.. and quiet..

In you.. my ship comes to anchor..

In you.. my mind cools.. and go to sleep..

In you.. I can sleep at night dreaming of hope..

Mom.. you’re my flower..

Blooming every day…with different colours..

How did you get to be so wise?

How did you get to be so beautiful?

Where did you learn such tenderness?

Where did you learn to love me so much?

Where did you learn to pat my hair like this?

Where did you learn to send comforting vibes to my disturbed soul?

Happy Mother’s Day to my dear Mum,

Author of my personality:

Pleased, I hope, with what you read in me;

Pleased, I wish, with my being in life;

I know I haven't been an easy child,
But love for you lies underneath my whims;
There is no way I could be tame or mild:
I need sometimes to shout and wave my limbs.
You're the wall I need to test my height,
The countervailing force to test my strength,
The chain I hammer at with all my might,
Even though you have increased its length.
It's tough, I know, to be Mom.

I love you Mom..

Never loved anyone like that..

Never will love anyone like that…

Happy Mothers day..

No matter what I get you…

It will certainly be less than what you deserve…

I miss you

I had this at 5:00am today... enjoy it...

I miss you in sunshine and rain

I miss you when I feel pain

I miss you when rainbow kicks in

I miss your strong hands holding me in joy and vain

I miss your sad eyes settling in on me

I miss your scent filling me in

I miss having your hand in mine

I miss u taking care of every thought in me

I miss u filling the house with your cooking

I miss patting your hair

I miss having you in charge

I miss my role model and darling

I miss our similarities

I miss your confidence

I miss you holding me with your eyes

I miss your gentleness, softness and love

I though time would heal the pain but it doesn’t… it becomes deeper… and all my trials to heal are in vain..

I miss you…

I love you…

Remember Me

This is a very nice poem by Bonnie Fetch.. that describes a woman sick with Fibromyalgia... it says what i have in my heart and mind... enjoy...



When I sit and think
of how I used to be
I ask my husband,
"Do you remember me" ?
we used to laugh alot,
we used to run and play
and fall into
each others arms at the end of the day

Now you come home,
find me in our bed
blankets tight around me
pillows under my head
the house is a mess
, supper not fixed
i thought I could do it
but my plans got nixed

I try to explain to you
just how I feel
that I am NOT Lazy
that my Pain is Real

You look at me
with those beautiful eyes
and say "be back later"
and go have a beer with the guys

so I just lay there
feeling lost and alone
remote in one hand
the other the phone

Tomorrow is a new day
i think to myself
maybe i will find a way
to get my life off this shelf
I will get up and shower
and go make my bed
and pray that the fog stays
out of my head

I will shake out the rugs
and vacuum the floor
and with a deep breath
I will head out the door

I am going in search of
finding out where I went
and I come back home
with my energy spent

I Pray that I have found
the right words to say
so you will fall into bed with me
at the end of this day

I miss you so much
your laughter, your fun
I miss being outside
with you under the sun

I miss the quiet moments
and the long talks
I miss holding your hand
when we go for long walks

I want you to know
I understand how you feel
I do not LOOK sick
so how can this be REAL ?

Plz understand
I do not want this in our life
I want to be your Friend
your Lover, your wife

Remember who I was
before this came along
I was in love with life
and I danced to lifes song

Just have patients
and remember where love lives
I will be right here
giveing all I can give

but if you decide
you can take it no more
remember one thing
as you walk out the door
I love you enough
to be here for you
or let you go
If thats what you decide to do...

Bonnie Fetch

Sorry am Sick

i wanted to write what I feel about my life..

I appreciate people in my life.. my entourage that are making life much much easier and very enjoyable… I appreciate my pet.. that sometimes give me joy …….

To all my loved ones, I am sorry I am sick… I know that I did not chose it but may be I chose the way I lived my life that resulted in this… I am sorry once again..

I wanted to tell you that I appreciate your patience in dealing with my flares, tantrums, depression periods and my long lonely nights… I know I can be difficult and not always loving! But I assure you that I love you all so much and I cannot help it honestly…

I have mourned my previous life.. the energy that I used to have… the strength to live life and have injuries without stopping my heart beats from pain… I never suffered from forgetfulness… I once could concentrate hard and get excellent results…

Alas… no use crying over spilt milk… I experienced the process from shock to anger, to depression and finally acceptance. Grief IS a process that takes time…I am adapting to my new reality and trying to make the best out of it… and as one of my support group said.. try to do your best in each day.. that should be good enough..

I have come a long way…. I don’t know what will the future hold for me.. .. except that in advance I am sorry if I hurt you.. nagged you or screamed at you … I love you all…